I often think about the value of energy. How much energy you have in a day dictates how much you get done. It’s a reflection of how you feel, creating a domino effect on the rest of your day.

I’ve often had problems with my energy over the past six years or so. It’s lead to sugar addiction. Over caffeination. Weight gain. Anxiety. Depression.

You name it.

My energy often has ebbs and flows, but I don’t fully recognize a high point until it starts to dip again. I was doing so well there for a minute! I had a few months where I was consistently clocking in at a 7 in the morning, but now I’m back to a consistent 5/5.5 in the morning.

The worst part? The guessing game.

I’ve never fully been able to figure out the result of my energy levels. In the past, allergies and estrogen levels have been the main culprits. But right now, I’ve been consistently taking my allergy medicine and estrogen supplements.

So what’s the deal, body?

It’s hard not to get frustrated, lazy, sad… because it always feels like a step back. I’ve worked so hard to have high energy, and then to consistently have to fight for it again? It can feel devastating.

I’ve worked so hard to eat healthy, give my body the nutrients it needs, and to lower my sugar intake, without stigmatizing something that gives me joy…. but lately I keep reaching for instant energy.

It’s just so easy! I have so much to do, and no one’s going to do it for me. So what do I do? Oh, have a piece of chocolate, it’s fine.

And you know what? It is fine, but it’s not the healthiest thing I could do for my body. It’s not actually providing my body with the nutrients it needs, and that’s the problem.

The actual desire to have a piece of chocolate? It’s natural. And you only get one life. So, yes, I’m going to have a piece of dark chocolate, but I want to be doing it because I can, not because my body feels like it’ll crumble without it. Enjoyment vs dependence.

My health has been a constant issue for me over the years – there is nothing obviously wrong with me – from the outside, I look and act like a normal millennial woman. In reality? I’m constantly struggling with some kind of ailment.

I’ve literally gotten to the point where I feel no sympathy for myself. It’s more of a “*sigh*, what now? There’s always something with you, isn’t there?”

And honestly, this thought process is both negative and positive. The negative is obvious: I should focus on loving myself and accepting that I’m not perfect. The positive? I don’t like excuses, and so I (most days) refuse to let my energy be the reason I’m unproductive. Other days, I do accept that I need to give my body a rest. She’s talking to me, and it is important to listen to what she has to say.

I used to play doctor and try to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me. I’d google all my ailments, search holistic solutions, come in to my doctor with my next hypothesis… my doctor is awesome, because she actually listens to me. She recognizes that I’m the best person at tracking the patterns in my life, because I’m with myself 24/7. But I also know that I can sometimes sway doctors into my already assumed belief of what’s wrong with me, so I do my best to offer up problems and solutions without leading a horse to water, if you will.

I hate that I spend so much of my paychecks on supplements, walking a delicate line of normalcy. For if I skip a supplement for just a few days, things start to go off kilter.

And that’s why my body today is confusing me…. I’ve been taking all my supplements. I’ve stayed consistent as possible, so now, it’s searching through my life, like “hm, I slept with my fan on, so is that making my allergies too bad while I sleep, and that’s why I have no energy?” “Hm, I stopped taking that medicine that seemed to do nothing, but maybe it was helping, and I should save up to buy that one again.” “Hm, are my estrogen levels too high again, so I need to adjust my intake of my supplements.” Hm, hm, hm.

It’s exhausting.

And because my body puts me at a disadvantage, I feel like I have to keep my mind razor sharp. I have to be constantly aware, checking in, asking myself why I’m feeling XYZ and what’s the cause of it.

Awareness is a powerful thing to have, but sometimes I wish I could just let it all go. Have a body that acted my age for once.

In the end, I am very lucky and grateful. Yes, I have these issues, but my body allows me to run every day, my mind allows me to learn and grow, my issues could be more limiting…. for all that, I do know it could be worse. Other people have it worse. I don’t want to ever forget that it could be worse.

So for now, it’s a day-by-day process.

I hope to change that one day, but for today, I just have to keep fighting for my energy.

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