another step back, which step forward?

As I write this, I’m waiting for a tow truck to come pick up my old, loyal 2003 Honda CRV. On top of everything else, I’m not sure how I’ll react to losing my car. Lee has been with me through it all – high school in Texas, summers in LA, winters in Chicago, and most importantly, through the minefield of learning how to adult.

I’ve lived in many cities since graduating high school, but through it all, Lee was my ride. In many ways, he feels more like home than any apartment I’ve labeled as such.

It’s easy to let anxiety run free. Let those thoughts run wild, imagining all the costs and fees and the potential loss of my car. I hope it doesn’t come to that. But I also want to be ready if that’s the potential outcome.

Expect the blow before it comes.

I wonder where’s the lesson in all this. Why my car and my apartment all in the same month? What direction am I getting pushed in, and why?

Part of me is annoyed that the inner-guru in me won’t shut off. Just please, for a second, be a normal young adult and freak out. Let it hit you. Cry, scream, punch something, feel what’s going on, for the love of God.

But then I wonder what value that’ll provide. Will it solve my problems? Will I find a solution by emoting louder? A small part of me wishes the answer was yes, so I could do all of those things and feel good about it.

But no, there is no value in letting emotion take the lead in this situation.

So, I go back to wondering where this is all leading…

I was watching To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before… with my sisters yesterday, and I remember watching Lara Jean at her lowest and thinking how something great is about to happen. The climax is always after the lowest scene in the movie. You can’t punch ‘em down any further, so now it’s time to rise.

And that’s where I feel hope.

If this is all a lesson in where I need to go next, the steps I need to take, the person I need to become, perhaps all of these “bad things” aren’t so bad after all. What if I were able to laugh about it now, instead of waiting until later down the road?

Don’t get me wrong, this is all brutal.

I’m running through my options and trying to decide what I’ll do if I lose my car, if I lose my apartment… where do I go from there? Do I move home for a little bit? Do I find the cheapest possible housing, save up, and get a new car? What’s the best move for me?

I don’t know.

But against it all, I still don’t think leaving LA is the move. I’m getting tested, that’s for sure, but it doesn’t feel like it’s time to move. I think I’m finally making the right steps in the right direction. An actionable plan is in place. So why would I let a few set backs jeopardize that?

Something is being asked of me… but what?

All I can do from here is keep my eyes open and be smart. See what the real damage to my car is and take it from there. I find faith in believing this is all part of a larger picture, one small piece in a much larger puzzle. It helps me believe that things happen for a reason, and there is value in everything that happens to us.

Let’s just hope part of this growth doesn’t ask me to say goodbye to my oldest home…