one

dear friend,

 

Is it too soon? Or is it too long past due?

I can’t decide.

We had a long run. I never expected to stay with you as long as I did. I thought it would be temporary, but instead, you became a staple of my life in LA… leaving means letting go of part of my identity.

Am I ready to lose that part of myself?

I can’t decide.

I spent most of the last six months debating: Is this worth it? Why do I stay? Should I let go?

But with each attempt at distancing, I felt my fingers rebound more tightly around you, not yet, not yet. This is who I am. What if I lose my friends? What if this makes me lonely?

The what if’s are the scariest; I could endlessly scroll through them. That part of my brain keeps asking me to look, to inspect, to realize I’ve made a mistake.

Have I made a mistake?

I want to say, “I can’t decide.”

But I know that isn’t the truth.

I know it’s time to jump off the cliff. To let the next chapter of my life begin. I can’t allow fear to be the only thing holding me back, I have too big of plans for that.

You gave me more than I ever thought you would. You gave me courage, you gave me confidence, you gave me creativity. You introduced me to my friends… You watched me grow into myself.

But now, I’ve outgrown you.

I suppose that’s usually the intent with you – not to stay forever but to be a stepping stone in a much longer, more fulfilling path.

Even so, I don’t look forward to our last goodbye.